Sex can be fun, crazy, and exhilarating. It can also be boring, vanilla, and awkward. Every girl has once in her lifetime had awkward sex. Maybe you’ve had bad luck and have experienced some awkward problems you can’t get over. Fear not, we have gathered the most awkward sex problems and provided you with answers.
5. Sex Faces
The sex with this guy is absolutely amazing. Next thing you know you’re about to enter a state of ecstasy, then suddenly you look at him. Your man looks like he’s constipated on the toilet, worse maybe he looks like he’s trying to lift a pickup truck. The ugly sex face is a true mood killer. There is nothing worse than looking up and seeing the struggle plastered on a man’s face while you have sex.
Solutions: Do it with the lights off in pitch black darkness. Not only will you not see his face, your other senses be heightened making it feel so much better. If you can’t do it, close your eyes and pretend you are enjoying it so much seeing will overdrive your senses.
4. You are not wet / he can’t get it up
You: You’re about to have sex. The foreplay was so wild it had you wetter than a monsoon. Then as soon as he is about to put it in, you find you are no longer wet. You are far from it. It’s as if someone got paper towels and dried up your vagina and then added a layer of sandpaper.
Him: You’re fore playing, its ready to go. He goes to put it in. It feels like silly putty trying to get into the opening of your vagina. Worse scenario: You are hornier than a teenage boy. He seems to be too. You are intensely making out…you go down to feel him. He feels like a Playdoh, so you decide to please your man. Minutes pass, you are fatigued…but his soldier refuses to stand to attention.
Solutions: If you are unable to get wet for some reason, have lube near you. Try water based since it’s easier to clean up. If you don’t have any, look for Vitamin E oil. If you’re not grossed out, ask him to use his saliva.
If you man is unable to get hard due to whisky dick, depending on how badly you want to have sex, get your inner freak out. Sometimes you have to work for things you want. Go down on your man, talk dirty to him, do his favourite things. Do not address the fact that his magic stick is broken. This will shatter his ego and will ruin all chances of you getting what you want.
3. When you’re not waxed or clean
You were not expecting to hook up with anyone tonight. You have been on a draught so dry you are basically a virgin again. You’re either in between waxes or you didn’t shower before the bar. This always happens. You somehow end up in a hot make out and you want to play. He starts to put his hands down your skirt or worse bring his head down to your kitty. Your eyes bulge in the full realization that you haven’t shaved/waxed or showered. You were not prepared.
Solutions: If you are not clean waxed or shaved, guys don’t generally mind. Get that in your head. Unless your vagina looks like it is being covered by the Garden of Eden, he likely won’t care. If hair isn’t your problem and you are concerned about your smell, this is why you purchase vaginal wipes and carry one in your purse at all times. Prevention and preparation are key. If you don’t have any, excuse yourself to the bathroom and do whatever you can to salvage yourself.
2. When he insists on using Magnums…but he doesn’t need them
Arguably, one of the most awkward scenarios. Things are hot and heavy, you’re butt naked and about to get it on. He asks you if you have condoms. You pull out your candy jar full of free frosh condoms. He tells you he needs a Magnum, but you know that if he uses one, there will be lots of excess space. There is truly not enough girth or length.
Solutions: Girl, remain calm. Do not laugh. Do not deny. Deceive. Say okay and take out a regular condom and insist that you be the one to put it on for him. If you’re lucky, you have another gold package that you can say is a Magnum.
1. Noises & Names
You: You are having sex in a place you have to be quiet. You are squeaking. It’s not okay. Even worse, it feels amazing. As if karma was out to get you for something bad you did, you release the loudest queef. You’re sure his neighbours heard.
Him: He’s enjoying it so much he sounds like a seal clapping its hands, maybe even uttering a hint of sorrow. Worse, he asks you to say his name and either A) you cannot recall it or B) his name is Eugene/something equivalent. Most awkward, you hear a wet cry for help emit from his rear end.
If you are in the comfort of a home, put a pillow over your face. If you’re not, use your hand, a sleeve, bite his shoulder. Make sure you can breathe of course. He’ll think its kinky instead of you trying to not to sound like a strangled chipmunk.
If he is making noise, either sexily tell him to “Shh”, by putting your finger on his lips. Get kinky, and cover his mouth. Now if you can’t remember his name or saying “Ohhhhh, Euguennnne” will turn you off call him Baby or something equivalent. Maybe you can even ignore him.
Now for the queef and the fart. Possibly the most awkward noises released from the human body. If you guys are really into the sex, just ignore it. Same with the fart. These things are only awkward if you acknowledge them! But if his flatulence emits odors of fermented chili with enough strength to kill a baby…I’m sorry, there is no saving that.
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