We’ve all been there. Lonely nights and raging hormones have led us to find a friend with benefits. Someone who you can call in the middle of the night or during a study break who will relieve you and give you 30-90 minutes of pure sexual satisfaction. The thing about a FWB is that people often catch feelings – and by people I mean us ladies. Forget Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached, those are rom-coms made to trick girls into believing there is a silver lining. Reality is that most FWB relationships end in heartbreak. Don’t be one of them.
This is the golden rule. When choosing a friend with benefits, never choose a friend. Ideal candidate: a one night stand you met at the bar. You already know the sex is good and you barely know him.
Never choose someone you know. Why? Because you have made an emotional connection with that person. Emotions = feelings = not okay. You think you can go back to being friends after that? That’s why people say don’t eat where you sh*t. When the arrangement ends, you will see your still friend around. Save yourself from the awkwardness.
You did the dirty, now what? Assuming he is at your house, it is common courtesy for him to depart. There will be no cuddling. No touching of bodies in a non-sexual way. Naked cuddling is no exception either. This isn’t cuffing season. Cuddling = warmth. Warmth = warmness in your heart. This is not okay. Cuddling also leads to pillow talk which is worse, because, you know, feelings.
This seems fairly obvious, but a lot of people make this mistake. You truly cannot ride bareback if this person is not your boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the pill. The Pill won’t protect you from herpes. Pulling out won’t save you from gonorrhea. You and your f*ck buddy have the right to have sex with anyone else you’d like to. This means that he can go have sex with Lindsay, who is rumoured to have chlamydia but is super hot. Always use a condom. There is nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in class with crabs.
There are no feelings or emotional connections, so play. You are single. If you see a guy you wanna talk to go for it. Never think about what your FWB will think. You are not monogamous, you are not an item, you are not together. The best part about a FWB is doing the dirty and not having complications involved. Don’t think about what your FWB is doing. Don’t think about how your kids will look. If you think about your FWB, you will catch feelings.
Never introduce your FB to your friends and especially family. It’s just awkward. “Hey dad, this is Dan. He’s not my boyfriend, but we have casual intercourse.” Your father will have a heart attack. Then he will cut off Dan’s penis. The only exception is a casual hi to your room mates who he will inevitably see. Just a “This is Frank” will suffice. If you have a side door, use it. A window? He has legs, and hopefully upper body strength. In the case that he introduces you to his friends and family, I suggest you find a new FWB.
The only thing you and your f*ck friend need to know about each other is what you like in bed. Don’t pillow talk, that is romantic. The only texts you should be sending each other are: “Come over.” “On my way.” and “Here.” Keep it simple, keep it casual. He doesn’t need to know about about how your room mate was being insensitive to your needs. The only conversations you guys have should only involve sex. Making deeper connections is a no no.
Absolutely not. Do you really want to wake up next to this person in the morning. Who wants to do the walk of shame? Nobody. You want a morning quickie? Call in the morning after you’ve brushed your teeth. Sleepovers create an unaccounted eight hours of time where you guys can talk, cuddle, and worst of all get to know each other. Sleep time is alone time. It doesn’t matter if there is a snowstorm, his ass has got to go.
Do not address each other in public besides a casual “Hi.” After that part ways. There is nothing like being belligerent at a bar and seeing your F*ck Buddy. It’s just awkward. Don’t hang out outside of the home. The only interaction you two have is sex. There will be no walks on the beach or grabbing a bite to eat. The only eating going on happens in the bedroom. In public, people will see you. People will ask questions. Questions are bad.
After sex, the visitor must leave. Minimal interaction is key. If he refuses to leave, tell him you have to go somewhere and pretend to leave also. Hide in the stairwell. Tell him you think you just got your period.
In an extreme case: If at any point, you or your f*ck buddy catches a case of the feelings and they are not reciprocated, the arrangement must end. Don’t draw on and hope that the other likes you back. This is awkward and usually does not end well. Make up an excuse and move on.
Have you ever had a FWB?
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