What Your Horoscope Says About You (According To A Basic Bitch)

Admit it, you love reading your horoscope. Something about it is always so true that it’s freaky. So we decided to create your horoscope according to a basic bitch. Our interpretation of the zodiac is cheeky and 100% accurate.* Read on to see if your horoscope according to a basic bitch rings true.

* As accurate as any zodiac can be. 

March 21-April 20
“The Ram”

Aries is a natural born leader and ready to rally the troops to the mall. Like the ram, Aries bitches are head-strong and know what they want. They identify with Samantha most because of their intense sexual appetite. When adventure calls, they will answer by traveling abroad to Europe.

April 21-May 21
“The Bull”

People call Taurus stubborn, but so what if they like their Pumpkin Spice Latte half-sweet, non-fat, extra hot, no-whip, with drizzle. They know their Forever 21 sunglasses are vintage and that’s “so in right now.” When it comes to arguing, they win every time cause they “saw it on Pinterest.”

May 22-June 21
“The Twins”



Communication is Gemini’s forte. They should totes take credit for all those creative abbreviations they use on the daily. We can find Gemini catching up with the girlies at Starbs or their fave brunch spot. Since they get bored easily, check their Insta and you’ll find fresh selfies on the reg.

June 22-July 22
“The Crab”


Like the crab in water, Cancers are homebodies. Their home is their sanctuary and as a reminder to anyone who visits, decorative pillows or wall hangings with “peace” and “love” written on them or picture frames that say “family” and “friends” adorn their humble abode. #FamilyComesFirst

July 23-August 22
“The Lion”


Leo is an attention whore. They’ve been known to take risks to get in the spotlight, like making out with a girl one time in college or dying their hair ombre. They’re the crazy one of their friend group and proud of it. Even though they claim they don’t “do” drama, they’re not fooling anyone.

August 23-September 23
“The Virgin”


Virgo strives for perfection, so naturally they surround themselves with inspirational quotes. Occasionally, when they do have a cheat day they tend to commit carbicide and end up hating themselves for it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Virgo. Remember to “keep calm and carry on.”

September 24-October 23
“The Scales”


Libras seek balance and harmony, which is why they’re all about that yoga life. Namaste, bitches. They love art and even if they haven’t been to Paris, it’s their inspiration. Like the scales that represent them, they fight for justice. Racist, sexist or dead baby jokes are “just not funny, guys.”

October 24-November 22
“The Scorpion”


Scorpio, the ever mysterious star sign. Almost every discussion about anything from baking to UGG boots will turn into a heated debate with them. Determined to make a statement, Scorpio will boldly dress to be a sexy nurse, cop, bumble bee, angel, devil or pizza slice for Halloween. 

November 23-December 21
“The Centaur/Archer”


Sagittarius is a philosophical truth-seeker. Their Facebook consists of Buzzfeed quiz results and crowdsourced questions to dilemmas like “should I get a Sagittarius constellation tattoo?” Sag is always changing their look and trying new things, like greek yogurt and homemade granola.

December 22-January 20
“The Goat”


Capricorns are known for being organized. Sticky notes are their BFF and their day planner is colour coordinated and up-to-date. They love redeeming coupons because they’re sooo practical. Befriend a Capricorn and they will be loyal forever, as your matching friendship bracelets suggest.

January 21-February 19
“The Water Bearer”


An Aquarius is unconventional and embraces the boho life. They like layering scarves over slouchy sweaters with leggings and wool socks for their #OOTD. Social in nature, they make friends quickly and collect so many followers from different social circles, it’s hard to keep up.  

February 20-March 20
“The Fish”


Oh, sensitive Pisces. The Notebook makes them cry each and every time they watch it. Like the Fish that represents them, they find refuge in hot bubble baths surrounded by scented candles. Pisces live by the belief that everything happens for a reason. A little naive, but it’s true. Okay?

Do you identify with your horoscope according to a basic bitch?

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